Zocker Witze

Gambler Jokes

Ein Casinozocker betritt die Backstube und sagt zu dem Mann mit der Bäckermütze: „Tach, ich hätte gern ein Brot.“ Er bekommt das Brot und dann passiert folgendes: Der Zocker zerrt das frisch gebackene Brot auseinander und schiebt sich die beiden Hälften jeweils unter die Achseln unterhalb seiner Bekleidung. Der Bäcker starrt ihn entsetzt an und fragt, was der Quatsch soll. Darauf sagt der Casinozocker: Mein Pastor hat mir letztens gesagt, ich solle weniger eigennützig der Gier nach Gewinn frönen, sondern statt dessen mehr wohltätige Aktivitäten entwickeln. Er gab mir folgenden Bibelspruch mit auf den Weg: „Du sollst das Brot brechen und unter den Armen* verteilen!“

*) arms = beggars (same word in German language)

Translated:
A gambler enters the bakery and asks the man with the baker’s cap for a loaf of bread. He gets the bread and then the following happens: The gambler tears apart the freshly baked bread and pushes the two halves under his armpits. The baker stares at him in horror and asks what this nonsense is. The casino gambler says: “Recently my pastor told me that I should be less greedy for profit, and instead develop more charitable activities. He gave me the following Bible saying: „Thou shalt break the bread and distribute it among the poor!*“

*) poor = “Arme” in German (means “arms” as ambiguous synonym, the same word for “poor” and “arms” in German)


Der nächste Witz lässt sich nicht übersetzen (funktioniert nur auf Englisch und mit gewisser Grundkenntnis für die Bezeichnung von Leuten, die nicht so ganz regelgerecht spielen):

„Why is gambling illegal in Africa? Because there are too many cheetahs!“

Okay, wir lösen das mal auf für die Blondinen unter uns und die Mantafahrer und Ost-Friesen:

„Warum ist Glücksspiel in Afrika verboten? Deswegen, weil es zu viele Geparden gibt!“
(Der Witz dabei: „cheetahs“ (Geparden) ähnelt dem Wort „cheaters“ (die Betrüger))


Von woanders geklaute Witze:

Zambian Roulette
As usual, things were not going well at the United Nations. Thus, many visiting ambassadors had to room together. It just so happend that Vladimir, the Russian Ambassador, and Umballa, the Zambian Ambassador, were sharing a suite. To pass the time, Vladimir introduced his fellow dignitary to the Russian game of roulette. He produced an antique Soviet revolver, and a single bullet. It took a while, but he was finally able to explain the gist of the game to Umballa. Intrigued and excited, Umballa loved the game. By the time the U.N. meeting was over, the two had become fast friends. As they parted company at the airport, Umballa told Vladimir, “One day, you must visit my country, and try our version of your roulette.“
A year later, Vladimir was in Zambia, and looked up his old friend. Umballa remembered him, and welcomed him with open arms.
“I have come, my comrade, to try your game.“
“Very well. Come with me.“ Umballa took his friend before six, buck-naked bush women. “Pick one. Any one. And she will give you a blowjob.“
“But my friend, where is the danger in this?“
Umballa replied with a toothy smile, “One of them is a cannibal.“

Prayer For The Winning
What’s the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino?
In a casino, you really mean it!

French Poker Chips
Question: What did a blonde from England bring a bag of french fries to a poker game?
Answer: Someone told her to bring her own chips.

Lesbians preferred card games
Question: What card game do lesbians play?
Answer: Poke-her
(poke = bumsen)

Dumb blondes Martini joke
Drei Blondinen fliegen nach Las Vegas. An der Hotelbar versucht eine Blondine besonders schlau zu wirken. “One Martini, please.” “Dry?” fragt der Kellner. Darauf die Blondine: “No, only one!”

English Version but German-speaking misunderstanding:
Three dumb blondes fly to Las Vegas. One of them tried to be extra smart at the hotel bar: „One Martini please“. The waiter asks: „Dry?“ [Germanic sounds like „drei“ = three]. The blonde replied: „No, only one!“